I’m Not Ashamed Anymore
I want this public because I hope talking about it will help me.
I’ll cut to the point. Though never diagnosed or acknowledged, I’ve suffered from bouts of depression for nearly as long as I can remember, always hiding it from family, friends and co-workers. Through my teens and twenties I’ve gotten through it by distracting myself with hard work and fun times. Within 24 hours or less I would come out of it. I had felt that depression is something which only affected other people and not myself, because then I’d have to be ashamed or embarrassed by it or worse have my life ruled by a pill. I’m the kind of person who refuses to go to a doctor when sick and I’d rather have a non-pharmaceutical remedy like sleep, sunshine, sex, st. john’s wort or just playing the ol’ nintendo. I truly believed counseling and therapy would be an admission of weakness, and I want to be a strong enough person to solve my own problems and struggles. I guess I’m not as strong in the ways I wished I could be and the beliefs I had were wrong and have only hurt me in the end.
Over the course of the last year I’ve had more and more frequent attacks; though few to none lasting more than a day. I’d retreat to the couch and turn on Star Trek, pout for a while and make up the work on another day. We’d chalk the sadness up to being stressed out about the game, trying to start a family and financial struggles. My wife said I was depressed and should talk to a professional. I refused help and I wish I hadn’t. Flash forward to the present. During the last few weeks I’ve been hit by the worst bout of sadness I’ve ever had and I’ve been sinking lower and lower every day since, even though my marriage is going great and Moon Intern has never played better. I should have plenty to be happy about I tell myself, but the last 4 days have been the worst 4 days of my life. I can’t stop crying, nor can I identify the trigger(s), if any. Last night my loving and patient wife helped me take the first step and we called a counselor. It was a lot easier than I thought it would be and I will be talking to a counselor very soon. I am treating this admission here as another step forward. I don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed and in the last few days I’ve learned of other people I respect who also struggle with depression.
I’m fighting the depression as hard as I can and still working on the game but it’s very difficult to be doing anything other than curling up on my couch. I want this to end today. I’m very frustrated and just want to get back to work. The team is aware of my issues only as of this week, and they are working hard to keep us on track towards our goals. We are dreamers who have very large goals and we intend on meeting one of those goals this month with the Issue 5 demo. Even through these attacks, I would not want to be doing anything else with my life right now than working on Moon Intern. I hope you understand what I’m trying to do here and please bear with me and us as we work towards making Moon Intern the most charming, love and action filled game you’ve ever played.